What goes around comes around

It is better to cry than to be angry because anger hurts others , while tears flow silently through the soul and cleanses the heart . Yes , i have done this loads of time . Throughout all my life , people would always judge and critisize me , all the positive things i do would eventually turn into negative in their eyes . All the good deeds i have done are never appreciated yet in return , they would backstab and talk bad about me . When will this end ? Is it even going to end ? I am sick and tired to have alway put on a fake smile and act as if i am heartless , as if i have no clue on what is happening around me . Yes , i may be harsh and mean but that is just me .

Those who doesnt know me , would think that i am some arrogant and big headed , spoilt girl that is so into herself or even someone that is trying to get the attention of the world speaking in some made up accent or slang ... I dont know .

You know what guys , say whatever you want , i am not going to care anymore . As long as my family and close friends knows who i am , i am fine with it . You guys may make me look bad , but you know karma is going to get you back . Have you ever heard of what goes around comes around ? Today would be your turn to bring me down and make everyone hate me , but sooner or later , all those crap you did is going to be splash right back at your face . Life is like a turning wheel , i may right at the bottom now , but one day i am going to be on the top .

The mystery

Since i was a little girl , i would always questions everything that is happening in my life . Sometimes , i feel as if was born unlucky and that all Allah S.W.T is hates me and is torturing me by making me suffer through all this never ending obstacles in life . I dont know how long will i be able to hold on with everything . During the day i would try my best to hide away all my pain by smiling and laughing , but sometimes at night , everything just seem so dark and trap that i would just eventually burst out crying .

Papa ? Without him i will never be here ... but sadly , i have never gotten the chance to get to know him . Papa and Mama got separated when i was three and eversince i never gotten the chance to spend time with him and getting to know his personality . I dont even know his birthday ... but what my grandma always say is that everything happens for a reason . Because of the separation , mama met daddy and that had made me who i am today . I should be thankful that i get to travel overseas often as for daddy is a british guy and that he treats me like i am his own daughter .... But you see , at some point in your life , there are always a time when you suddenly just wonder and imagine on how will your life be like if your real dad is still with you . How does it feel to be with your own father .

 And now , I am questioning myself , why am i here today ? why did i ever decline such a good oppurtunity which is to pursue my studies in hammersmith in business marketing . Why am i stuck in this deserted place . Why do i have to be here all alone without my parents , my sisters ..... and worse yet , the guy that i love too is not here . I am wondering why Allah has to take everyone away from me and leave me here by my own . Yes , i do have my other family members .. but it will never feel the same . My best friends , the one that i have always counted on , the one that i treated as my own sister , she left too .

Also , I  wonder on how would my  life be like in the future . Where will my parents be ? What will my sister do ? Will i be successful  ? Will i still be with him ? Will i still be able to handle this long distance relationship ? Who are my true friends ? who would  stay  by myside , through my up and down in life ? Who would Help me get through all the obstacles in lfe ? Will i dissapoint my mum again or will i make her happy ? Is papa going to suddenly reappear in my life  ?

It is all a mystery . Still a mystery .

A levels .

My only one dream was to further up my studies in psychology ... But again , i only got an offer to do A levels in London in Business marketing which really does not interest me . Decline the offer and i turn down my interview for my permanent resident application . Now , here i am a masscom-er in KTT . Though , this college may not be as bad as i thought , sometimes i regret on turning down a once in a lifetime oppurtunity . I miss my family and I miss my old life . Despite all these emotions im feeling , i would always remind myself that I am doing all this for my own future , for my family , for my children (one day) and Allah knows the best . I just have to keep on believe in myself and work hard on achieving my dream .